Is your kid a donkey or the Messiah? What their nativity role says about your parenting

But despite all the kindergarten checkmarks, the screenings, the early years assessments, there is nothing more important when it comes to assessing how your child has gone in their first year of school than the role they are given in the kindergarten nativity performance.

There's a most wonderful viral video doing the rounds at the moment of young Milo, who's been given the "classic role" of "door holder number three". He's holding doors for Mary and Joseph, he thinks, and he might have to wear brown, and he's as proud as punch.

Whoever this young lad is, has had an exceptional start to his schooling years. Who even cares if he hasn't mastered a reader and still can't colour in between the lines. He's six. And he is the bomb.

But not all kids (read parents) are happy to be door holder number three. If they are not Mary or Joseph, or Archangel Gabriel, they are not happy. I didn't spend all this money on a good education for my kid to be a donkey, thank you very much. You want my donation for the car park? Then my kid has to be, at least, one of the wise men.

Here's what your kid's Nativity role says about you as a parent.

There's always the one girl (read mother) in the class who is ... you know ... a bit of hard work. Isabella not meeting the benchmarks? It's not your problem, rather it's the teacher's, who is also looking after 30 other kids for eight hours a day. But Mary has a good speaking voice (i.e., your kid is loud) and probably good hair. The teacher obviously thinks she can command an audience. You likely have a nonna who can sew a decent outfit, too. As a parent, you need to remember Mary didn't really do much after she gave birth. Time to step back and let that child shine.

What did Joseph do? If your kid is Joseph, he's probably tall. Someone physically capable of looking like he can lead a donkey. The kind of kid in the class who's happy to help pack up after PE but will never take five wickets. As a parent, relax, he'll be OK. Just make sure he's not part of that crowd.

Does any actual child ever play this role? The wisest thing you can do as a parent is make sure you have the appropriate doll who can play this role. Find a nice swaddling cloth. It's the easiest way out and when other parents ask you which kid is yours you can say, "I'm the mother of the Messiah".

This is a tricky one. If Gabe pointed the other way, we'd all be lost. They just need to be authoritative. It's kind of a key role. Be happy if your kid comes home needing you to sew a white gown. Be proud. Your kid is not one of the crowd. Being able to point with authority ... maybe you're raising a future professional delegator. Public service, anyone?

Every kindergarten class is full of girls who've got things sorted out. They don't cause problems, they're smart enough, kind of popular. The teacher knows she can leave them to work things out on their own on most occasions. If your daughter is a random angel, she's doing OK and so are you. Don't worry. Hopefully now we've got boys who are random angels, too.

The most coveted roles in the whole nativity really. Do they need to be men now? Who doesn't love that joke about if they were three wise women they would have bought freezer meals, some wine and nipple pads for the new parents. You'll spend hours teaching your kids to pronounce frankincense and myrrh but it's worth it. If your kid is a wise man, consider it a tick of approval.

Young Milo has it right. The door holders are more important than the Bible suggests. Imagine if door holder number one said, "Sure, come on in, I have a nice studio apartment with a view across the Bethlehem market and it's all yours for a few gold coins." Never getting a donkey up five flights of stairs. Never seeing the North Star through the toilet skylight. And those Wise Men are never getting in without ID. Make sure you talk to your kid about the importance of door keepers and security. And he's most likely a big lad, capable of door handling.

You might have helped your kid through basic maths but did you learn how to roll a shepherd's headdress out of a towel? Place it around your thigh and roll it down. Maybe it's not PC now but we spent multiple summers wearing such headgear. Shepherds are the poor man's Three Wise Men. But if your kid is a shepherd, at least he's not a sheep. The teacher probably likes him but would never give him any real responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with being a tree. Or a goat. But it means your kid was lucky to get through their first year of school with someone remembering their name. Sign up to help with in-class reading next year.